


My R

by cxlesstial



Series: that's rough buddy [3]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Bonding, Depression, Gen, Good Older Sibling Leonardo (TMNT), Heavy Angst, Hurt Donatello (TMNT), Hurt Leonardo (TMNT), Hurt Michelangelo (TMNT), Hurt Raphael, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Post-Season/Series 04, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Leonardo (TMNT), Psychological Trauma, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Trauma, but the bros are also hurting, but they're important ish kinda, casey and april are mentioned like twice, leo centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27012124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxlesstial/pseuds/cxlesstial
Summary: Leo couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it first became a struggle to live.When they’d lost their homes, when New York burned, when it was just them, when Leo was out of commission for months….he didn’t know if he was happy he’d survived, gasping for breath in that bathtub with Raph at his side. He’d hated himself for feeling like that, but -In all honesty? He was fucking exhausted. They’d lost their homes, they were facing the impossible....not to mention that Leo was stuck with a leg injury and wrecked vocal cords. He really felt useless.
Relationships: Casey Jones/April O'Neil (TMNT), Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT)
Series: that's rough buddy [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1912768
Comments: 17
Kudos: 64





	My R

**Author's Note:**

> my r stands for my reflection, and it's a japanese song by kurage-p. the original story is that a girl goes to the rooftop, wanting to die, but... everytime she goes up, she always sees a different person ready to jump off and talks them out of it (the different people basically represent her trying to talk herself out of committing suicide herself). on the last day she stands on the rooftop, she's all alone.
> 
> i saw an animatic on a tmnt version yesterday and decided to write an actual story on it! here's the link (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onzdVx-ijOQ)

Leo couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it first became a struggle to live. 

When they’d lost their homes, when New York _burned_ , when it was just them, when Leo was out of commission for months….he didn’t know if he was happy he’d survived, gasping for breath in that bathtub with Raph at his side. He’d hated himself for feeling like that, but -

In all honesty? He was fucking exhausted. They’d lost their homes, they were facing the impossible....not to mention that Leo was stuck with a leg injury and wrecked vocal cords. He really felt useless. 

If he had to guess, Leo guessed it started after Shredder nearly ripped him apart for good. He managed to get back to his feet, managed to overcome his new voice issues and use his disability to his advantage, but something was different now. He no longer felt motivated to lead his family, it was like…

A switch went off, and it flipped in the wrong direction, leaving him dark and apathetic instead of the lively, bouncy leader he’d been so good at being for the past year. He didn’t know what was going on, what made this abrupt switch, but he resolved to ignore it, knowing that nothing mattered. He needed to lead, he needed to be strong enough to carry the team’s burdens, because that’s his job.

 _I need to be strong enough,_ he thinks, eyes flashing determinedly in the bathroom mirror, gripping the counter so hard his knuckles went white. _I can’t let them down._

Brave, fearless leader.

Be the leader that Splinter had always wanted him to be. Be what Splinter couldn’t, be the one that carried the legacy of the Hamato Clan with honor - with pride. With enough energy and gusto to fill an empty football stadium, even. Leo could do it, even if he now felt _lifeless_ and spent every night curled up in his bed, clutching his sheets, wondering numbly if the next terror would be the thing that finally killed him and his family. 

After they got New York back, after Splinter was saved, Leo celebrated with his family, smiling and laughing with them, convincing himself that he was happy. Everything was okay again, they were together! They were _together_ , and Leo didn’t need anyone else besides them. Even if everything else was all messed up inside, it didn’t matter. 

He led them on their missions, protected them against thugs, and robots, and mutants, and even Karai, who Shredder had twisted into some monstrosity instead of their sister. Nevertheless, Leo led them with the fearless attitude he’s known for, although inside him - inside his head, it was such a different story.

But they kept winning. So Leo doesn’t let the feelings get to him, doesn’t think long enough to delve into his thoughts and ignore the numbness and truly wonder _what’s wrong with me?_

He didn’t care. He cared. He _needed_ to care. Care. Care, care. He didn’t care. He cared. He needed to - 

He _needed_ to be strong enough. 

Brave, _fearless leader_. 

Until.

Until they didn’t win. They lost. They lost again, but the results were more catastrophic than just losing New York. Oh, no, this time, they lost the entire _world_.

When the Shredder impaled Splinter, when they lost New York for the second time, when they lost their home, when they were sent into space on a foolhardy mission to bring the black hole generator together, Leo wondered grimly if he felt anything besides the residual feelings of...well, _something_. He’s been in this situation before, right? Lost his Dad, lost his home, but - oh, God, why was he not feeling _anything_ this time _?_

He should care, right? That was his Dad. He was _dead_. Oh, he was so dead. And they had been given six months to fix everything but that didn’t change _anything_ he was still dead just like their other allies - and - _and -_

He realized then, that no, he didn’t feel horror, he didn’t feel upset, he didn’t feel anything besides apathetic and numb and. “What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?” he whispers to his reflection in the down-time they’ve got on Fugitoid’s ship, locked in his bedroom, locked away from prying eyes. “Stop it. _Stop it_. Fucking...feel something. _Feel something!_ You’re supposed to save them, you’re supposed to be their leader, you’re -”

He clutches the sides of his head, his breath coming faster and faster and he’d almost welcome the tears, just to prove that he was an actual sentient being with real _emotions_ but they don’t come, nothing comes besides more ragged gasps and Leo can’t, he can’t -

Oh, but he can! Push it down, repressrepressrepress, he’s good at that, at repressing, he’s good at pretending to be okay, because he’s their leader. As long as he pretends it's okay, it’ll _be_ okay. He remembered reading something somewhere, something that said _fake it until you make it_. 

He laughs then, locked in his bedroom, locked away from prying eyes, because that should be his new motto.

Fake it till you make it.

He needed to be _strong_ enough. Brave,

_Fearless_

Leader…

.

.

.

Leo felt _something_ , _he felt something_ (!!) after Fugitoid told them his origins. He’d felt _anger_ , real anger, not that fabricated over-exaggerated shit he’d put on during their battles. It was better to over exaggerate, pretend to be grieving and angry that they’d lost, pretend to be furious with the Triceratons. Because then he could avoid the questions from the others asking if he was okay. 

_(Because if someone asked Leo if he was okay Leo’s afraid that he’d finally lose it and tell them that he just doesn’t care anymore and he’s only forcing himself through this shit because it’s his job)_

But this time it was real! Oh, god, he really did! Fugitoid had lied to them, _he_ was the one who made that stupid Black Hole Generator, oh, it was _him_ , he caused all this shit, he, it was his fault that they were stuck out here in space, he, it was his fault that Leo’s mask was slipping, he -

He storms towards the Scout ship, angry, he’s angry _,_ oh _lord_ the anger feels good, gets inside, flames of anger licking the insides of his skull, flies out of the ship, flies to face the Triceratons attacking alone, ignoring the desperate screaming of his family in the comms, angry, he’s _angry_ \- 

When the Scout ship explodes, because he was stupid enough to face them alone (why didn’t he think things through? he’s supposed to be their leader) and his helmet cracks and he goes plummeting towards Mars, he welcomes dea-

They saved him. 

He had a job to do, he had to save Earth. He was selfish for even thinking about death, for hoping that maybe -

Brave, fearless

_leader_

??

They ended up saving Earth, and Fugitoid, brave stupid robot he was, sacrificed himself for it to happen. Leo feels that previous anger slide away, and figures that that’s as good as the robot is gonna get from him. 

He feels something warm blossom in his chest, something genuine and....and Leo feels, as he’s standing with his family, as he collapses in his actual bed after six months of being away from it, he entertains the slight hope that things might actually be okay now.

He thinks about it. They’ve saved Earth, they’ve sent their space clones off with the other Fugitoid, everyone’s alive, maybe they’ll finally catch a break and maybe they’ll finally just be able to breathe and Leo, optimistically, thinks that maybe he’ll be able to _feel_ okay, too. 

Maybe he’ll be able to actually care about living. Eventually.

Maybe he already does? It doesn’t make sense, sometimes he feels dead and empty and other times he feels a stirring in his gut, but could he really call that churning mess _emotion_? Leo doesn’t know what’s going on with him anymore, he just. He can’t show weakness, he can’t slow down, he needs to be on top of his game, defeat their enemies and keep his family off his back.

Except.

Except,

Except nothing changes. They patrol, they fight, life slides right back to where it was before it was ripped from them unexpectedly. More villains, _new_ villains. More issues, _new_ issues. (Don Vizioso, _ooh_ , and the _military_ , that was cool! Even _more_ people that hated their existence, that’s always fun!) 

When he was up in space the Shredder had been tipped out of Leo’s mind, too focused on the Triceratons, but now that they were back,

Shredder was furious. He usually was, the big asshole, but he seemed especially furious now. Splinter was still alive, Karai was out of his control and his operations were being foiled left and right, and - 

Oh. He’d mutated himself. 

He’d become the thing he’d loathed. Of course.

Leo’s not even surprised at this point, and the exhaustion comes back to haunt him every waking moment. He struggles to get out of bed, trying to find a reason to keep going. God, what was the _point_? Fight, blow things up, ruin the enemy’s plan, then rinse and repeat. It was such a dull, pointless cycle. He’s so fucking - 

Oh, lord, he’s tired of this. He’s _tired_.

Brave _fearless_ leader 

brave fearless leader

_bravefearlessleader_

When Shredder impales Splinter for the second time, and Splinter doesn’t get back up, Leo finally, 

finally, after years and years and _years_ of pain and suffering and internal conflict and intrusive thoughts and trauma,

he finally

_finally_

decides to give up.

And he does so with a smile on his face. 

-

He doesn’t feel remorseful for deciding to give up. He knew his family would move on, eventually. Pick up the pieces just like they did with Splinter. They were strong like that, like an unbreakable stone wall; eroded from years and years of the harsh elements blowing down at it - but unfaltering nevertheless. They’d be sad, sure, but they’d...survive. Leo didn’t drag himself through years of this bullshit to see them fail now. 

Knowing that his family would survive gives him enough strength to head to the building that his Dad had been tossed off only a few weeks before, sneaking his way up through the building for the last time. He feels relieved, for some odd reason. This would end the pain. This would be the thing that kills him, not sunk through with a blade or being experimented on by some wayward scientist.

He would choose his death on his own terms, and that gives him a sense of peace.

Except, when he gets to the top of the stairs, when he slams open the gray metal door, his mouth falls open and he feels his heart drop to the pit of his stomach.

_Donnie’s standing at the ledge, about to tip forward and do the same thing Leo had originally come up here to do._

“Donnie?” Leo breaths out, staring at his brother in what can only be shock, and, and horror, because what the _fuck_ , why the hell was he here, what - 

Leo’s exhale gets Donnie’s attention, even though it must have been impossible over the screaming of the wind, and his younger brother glances at him over his shoulder, eye ridges shooting up in surprise and purple mask tails flapping in the wind. “Oh, Leo, you -

“Don’t do it, _please_ ,” Leo finds himself shouting over the wind, desperate and filled with _emotion_ that wasn’t there before. He stares at his brother, the heart thumping in his chest erratically, eyes filled with tears, wondering why he suddenly cared, why he - why is he _feeling_ , why -

Leo steps closer to the ledge, eyes locked with Donnie, who’s watching him sadly. “Why are you up here? Donnie, _what_ -

Donnie’s lips form a small smile, face clearly stating _shouldn’t it be obvious?_ Turning away from his oldest brother, he glances back down at the pavement far below with a faraway look. “You’ve probably heard it all before…”

Leo doesn’t know what the fuck is going on, but Donnie’s not finished. “I really thought that she’d be the one, y’know? But she told me she was done, and I - 

_What_ \- 

Donnie tries to step forward, forward in the _wrong direction_ , and Leo reaches out and grabs his brother’s shoulder before he could finish that step, pulling him backwards and away from the ledge, pushing him farther and farther backwards until Donnie trips, falling back onto his shell and staring upwards at Leo with a mystified expression. 

“You….were going to _kill_ yourself? Over _April_?” Leo yells, shocked and terrified and this was so unlike Donnie and tears were pouring out of his eyes and oh he can’t breathe. “Are you _serious_? Donnie, I can’t _believe you_. You - you’re going to kill yourself because you didn’t get what you want? A _girl_?" He hadn’t known his brother’s crush with April was still this bad, he’d thought it toned down a bit, but… “You -” Leo thinks of his own reasons for coming up here, and chokes up, gritting out a furious: “You’re lucky that you haven’t gotten robbed of _anything_ -

He’s thinking of his apathy, of the upward battle he’s forced himself upwards for years, for _years_ , he thinks of the pain and the anger and he watches Donnie’s face light up in another smile, a beam this time, and then he’s pulling himself off the ground, standing, beautiful brown eyes wide in _happiness_. “I’m feeling better, thank you for listening.” 

Then he turns again, and walks towards the metal door. He opens it, and disappears through it, the door clicking softly behind him as he makes his escape, leaving Leo to gape blankly at - well, everything. What the _fuck_ was that?

He couldn’t - was he _dreaming_? He runs forward, slams the door open, and rushes down the stairway, calling desperately for his brother. He runs, heart in his throat, tears still streaming down his face, as he makes it to the bottom level of the building, slamming the entrance door open and for the first time in his life not caring if he was caught. “ _Donnie_?” he screams, eyes frantically jumping from thing to thing in the humid-slicked, windy night. 

But his tall, gangling brother wasn’t there. No one was there except Leo, who felt so _confused_ , and miserable, and -

Still alive. His plan had failed. 

-

Donnie’s perfectly fine, back in the lair, exhausted and snappy and he’s probably had five cups of coffee before he’d showed up to training, ignoring Raph’s and Mikey’s bickering easily as they practice their katas in the dojo. Leo can’t look at him, tense as he feels his purple-banded brother’s gaze wash over him curiously, remembering what had happened on that rooftop in a sort of detached fashion. 

Leo didn’t want to think about it, about Donnie, about whatever that was. It was some - _illusion_ , something that had -

Something that stopped him from killing himself. So..

So if it wasn’t real, if Donnie wasn’t really standing up there, if -

Yet that night, when April and Casey come over, Leo finds himself staring at Donnie, studying his brother’s face expressions intently as they all sit on the benches in the pit, atmosphere calm and relaxed despite all that’s happened in the past few weeks. Mikey’s cracking jokes, and Casey’s joined in, and when April laughs a bit too loudly with the tall, raven-haired boy, Leo _sees_ the pinched expression on Donnie’s face, and he _knows_. 

Maybe Donnie wasn’t standing up on that rooftop last night, but his issues with April? That was all _real._

When April and Casey leave, Leo forbids his brothers to leave the pit and puts a movie on for them all to watch, and, ignoring his nervousness, sits as closely to Donnie as he could, feeling his brother’s tall, lanky body warm his sides as they pressed together. Donnie glances at him, confused, speaking in a low voice so they didn’t interrupt the action on the television. “Leo? You’ve been acting weird lately, are you -

“I know what’s going on. With April,” Leo whispers back softly, watching Donnie’s eyes widen. “It’s okay, Don. We’re here for you. It’s....um, it’s _okay_.” 

_(Figures that the boy who wanted to kill himself wasn’t the best at giving reassurance)_

“You’re so bad at this,” Donnie chuckles, finally relaxing against him. “But thanks, Leo. I...it feels horrible, but I’ll get over her, I think. Eventually.”

Leo smiles with a tired smile, knowing that that was the best he was gonna get, and slides even closer to his brother, lying his head on Donnie’s shoulder. It felt nice, being close together like this. Leo doesn’t know why they ever stopped being affectionate. 

-

He manages to make it an entire week before the tiredness becomes too much again, and Leo, slightly more desperate now, waits until darkness to make his way across the city to the building his father had been thrown off of. He’s determined this time to finally _end_ it, to be done with the emptiness inside of him, he’s so -

\- his eyes stretch wider as he recognizes the figure sitting on the ledge, legs dangling off the edge. This - _no_ \- this couldn’t be _happening_ , _not again -_

“ _Raph,_ fucking - _no_! Stop, oh my god, don’t you dare -

It wasn’t real, it wasn’t, Raph was safe back at home, Leo knew he was, 

so why would his brain torture him with his brothers when all he wanted to do was _die_?

_Why couldn’t he just die?_

“Leo?” Raph’s head twists as he shifts to look over his shoulder, staring up at his brother with his beautiful green eyes. Leo, already feeling the tears coming, blinks rapidly and moves from the door to the edge of the roof, close enough to grab Raph if he suddenly gets brave enough to tip forward and fall the hundred-something foot drop. 

“Raph, why...why are you up here?” Leo feels himself asking, and Raph glances up at him, the old red mask tails shifting as he pulls his knees to his chest, gazing over the dark cityline as he contemplates how to answer.

“You’ve probably heard it all before,” Raph says, Brooklyn accent choked up with emotion, and when he looks back up at him Leo’s completely surprised to see the tears trailing unabashedly down Raph’s dark green cheeks. Raph _never_ cries, it’s... “Everyone...ignores me, y’know? Everyone steals. I just...don’t fit in with anyone, and - 

And as Leo watches Raph rise, clearly wanting to take the final step, but Leo, like with Donnie, doesn’t let that happen. He grabs Raph’s arm and tugs harshly, pushing his brother back from the edge. Raph doesn’t even have the urge to look apologetic for attempting to take his own life, and Leo’s furious, because even if these brother posers were _fake_ they were still not fucking dying, not on Leo’s watch. The only one fucking dying here would be _Leo_ , thank you.

“I seriously can’t believe that you, and _Donnie_ got here before me, you - tried to kill yourselves, even though that’s what I keep coming up here to do, and, Raph, you - you’re loved by everyone at home, y’know? You can be a prick, seriously, but god, we wouldn’t be here without you. We _wouldn’t_ \- there’s food waiting on the table for you, right now, with the others -

\- with the others Leo wouldn’t be joining, he realizes grimly, shoulders slumping. But Raph smiles and steps forward, cupping his brother’s cheek. Leo leans into the touch, staring into Raph’s eyes as his brother laughs, tears still trailing from his eyes. “I _am_ pretty hungry,” he decides, and turns, disappearing through the dark gray door and letting it softly click behind him. Leo lets him go, heart thumping in his chest and -

He was still alive. Leo doesn’t know how to feel about that.

-

Raph’s punching the training dummy when Leo gets back to the lair, their other brothers nowhere in sight, and he nods his head in greeting when Leo jumps the turnstiles. “Hey, ya’ have a good run?” Raph asks, and Leo can still feel the phantom touch of Other-Raph on his cheek.

“Yeah,” Leo says, smiling, and comes to join Raph over by the dummy, wanting to say so many things but not having the courage to _talk._ He shifts his feet, staring at Raph and the dummy, until finally Raph gets annoyed and jerks his head to glare at his older brother. The annoyance melts as he sees the look on Leo’s face.

“Are...you okay, Fearless?” Raph asks, and Leo gulps, nodding quickly. 

“Sorry, I...it’s nothing. Can we...um, do something? Please?” Leo hangs his head between his shoulders, studying his feet, suddenly feeling so nervous because they never hangout anymore they’re always at each other's throats and if he didn’t say yes he wouldn’t know what to do and -

“Oh, uh! Yeah,” Raph brightens, agreeing immediately, dropping the raised fist from the dummy. He tries to hide his eagerness with an awkward cough, but it makes Leo smile anyway as the oldest feels something resembling _happiness_ rise in his chest. “Whatever we’re gonna do, you’re gonna get clobbered at it - 

“Oh, really?” Leo feels that uncertainty wash out, replaced by more of that warm feeling, and they're both grinning, an air of that old competitiveness reentering their expressions. “What do you suggest we do, then?” 

“Er…Super Mario Kart?” Raph suggests, and Leo accepts that without comment, dropping down into the pit. Raph, with a flabbergasted (and secretly _elated_ , though he’d never tell his brother that) expression spread across his features, follows, snagging two controllers while Leo switches on the television. 

Ten minutes later Raph’s scowling while Leo’s crowing because he’d sent Bowzer flying off the screen and won, and Raph’s demanding for a rematch that Leo’s happy to meet, and Mikey and Donnie are trailing out of their hiding places and demanding to play, too, so the four of them are crowded around the tiny television, laughing and shouting at eachother, and Leo feels...content. He can feel the numbness in the corner of his mind, begging to be let back in, but Leo refuses to let it take control of him for the rest of that night.

-

He manages it for a bit longer, staving off the numbness and the tears and the emptiness for as long as he can handle, and he tries, he really tries, and he’s starting to _feel_ now, he really is, it’s not just empty anymore. He doesn’t want to leave his brothers, but - 

But this was the only _way_ , it feels like. He’s messed up, internally, and he wants the pain to go away, and he’s tried for so long, so so _long_ -

And when he finally drags himself up to that rooftop, he’s surprised by another face. Another member of his family. 

“Hi, Leo,” April O’Neil smiles at him, long, gorgeous fiery orange hair free from it’s elastic restraint. 

So…he doesn’t die that night, and everytime he gives into the urge and treks back on that roof there’s always a different face, a different problem. After April it’s Casey, and Karai, Shinigami, and their other allies, other friends they’ve met along the way, and Leo sends each one away from the edge of that roof, not knowing what his life had turned into. He wanted to die, he really did, but with every face he meets he feels more at home, more grounded, more _alive_. 

Because when he’s listening to their problems, he’s understanding the _real_ versions better, understanding their insecurities, their problems, relating to each of them differently. He starts to understand why they act the way they do, and - and Leo feels better than he’s felt in years, because he finally _understands_. 

That doesn’t mean the numbness completely disappears, of course. It clouds him, still, reminds him of everything he’s lost, everything he _will_ lose, because nothing in their fucked up life is ever permanent. It gets really bad sometimes, and Leo forces himself not to go back up there, because their social circle really wasn’t that big and if no one was there Leo would have to do it, he’d have to end it, because it’s been months now and he _still_ hasn’t done it.

_(He doesn’t know if he wants to jump, he doesn’t. He doesn’t know if he wants to give up anymore)_

He gives into the temptation eventually (like he always does), goes back up on that roof, maybe kinda half-hoping that someone would be up there, and when he sees his youngest brother sitting carelessly at the edge his heart _stops_. Out of everyone he knew, his family members, his friends, his allies - Mikey was the last person he ever expected to see on this roof. 

Mikey grins back at him, still managing to look so innocent and sweet even though his baby brother was a war hardened veteran. “Hey, dude. Bet you were waiting for me, huh?” 

“Mikey…” Leo manages to get out, heart fully breaking. “Oh, Mike, why are you…”

Mikey laughs. “Leo, we have the same problems, don’t you know?” he trails off, eyes becoming unfocused and watery as he rubs his neck. “I just wanna stop the scars, y’know? Every-time that I’m home, it’s just...it’s too much. Everything’s too much. I feel empty, a lotta the time. I’ve thought about ending it, for real. Taking your blade, even, and doing it myself. After Splinter died and...I never thought anyone _really_ cared about me, and -

“Mikey, I fucking l- _love_ you,” Leo sobs, throwing himself forward and encasing his youngest brother into his arms, feeling the pale arms wrap around him, and Leo - he can’t _fix_ this, Mikey was right, they had the same issues, this wasn’t like anyone he’s faced and Mikey knew it and Leo _howls_ , burying his face into Mikey’s neck and just _feels_ and he just falls apart and -

When Leo manages to pull away from Mikey, foreheads pressed together as Leo continues to cry, convulsing and shaking while Mikey gazes into his dark gray eyes with a small smile. “You’ve been fighting for _so_ long, it’s crazy,” Mikey whispers softly, and Leo can't really breathe but he listens desperately. “Insane, how much you care for other people when you don’t even care about yourself. It’s incredible. You’re so brave, Leo, and I know you think that you _can’t_ feel but you _can_ , I promise. I’m happy that you were the one Splinter chose as leader.”

And with that, Mikey reaches up and kisses Leo’s forehead, feather lightly, face dropping back into a pinched frown as he stands up and makes his way to the door, and Leo doesn’t want him to go, he _doesn’t_ , because Mikey wasn’t jumping but Leo didn’t help make his problem better, he was still _upset_ , Leo didn’t, _couldn’t_ help him, it - 

Leo pulls his knees to his chest and buries his head into it as the door closes behind his youngest brother, leaving Leo alone and grieving.

He’s still alive.

And he feels _pain_.

-

Leo’s eyes are droopy and exhausted as he gets back to the lair, instantly knowing that he needed to see his younger brother - his _real_ brother, not Other-Mikey. He checks the pit, and the kitchen room, and Don’s lab, and the dojo, before finally walking towards their rooms. He goes to knock on Mikey’s closed door, but hesitates and presses an ear to the door, listening.

But when he hears sobbing inside he doesn’t hesitate any longer, swinging the door open with his heart in his throat as he takes in the mess of his brother on the bed. 

“L-Leo!” Mikey shrieks, glassy eyes blinking at him in shock and Leo doesn’t wait, leaps onto the bed with him and sits, taking his brother's hands from the bloody lines on his skin - and enveloping Mikey in a hug. Mikey’s stiff, eyes blown wide in shock, but after a few beats he slowly moves his arms to wrap around Leo’s shell, relaxing and burying his face into Leo’s neck. “M’Sorry, so sorry, s’ all my fault -

“Nothing’s your fault, Mikey,” Leo promises hoarsely, pulling Mikey even closer so they were pressed even closer to each other, feeling the tears stain his neck but not caring in the slightest. “I love you.”

“You do?” Mikey gets out, words muffled against Leo’s skin, and Leo hates it, hates how broken Mikey was, how he hadn’t noticed until tonight, until Other-Mikey...how long had Mikey been doing this? Sobbing in his bedroom, all alone? 

“I love you more than anything,” Leo confirms, because he did, because he loved Mikey, because he loved all of them, more than anything. And...and he couldn’t save Mikey, because he was right, their problems were way too similar, and how could Leo help his brother with a battle that Leo was already struggling to fight himself?

If Leo could take Mikey’s struggles from him, he would. He’d take _all_ of their pain from them, no hesitation required. But he couldn’t, and it makes his stomach churn with something Leo thinks is guilt.. “I’m sorry, Mikey,” Leo whispers, pulling away from Mikey and bumping their foreheads together affectionately, mirroring their positions from that rooftop. “I want to help you, I do, I just can’t, I’m a failure, and - 

“Not true, dude,” Mikey gets a laugh out, still trembling. “You’re the greatest oldest brother ever, me n’ Raph n’ Don think so, we wouldn’t _be here_ without you. You’ve saved us all, y’know? We’d be lost if something happened and you...you got hurt, or -

Leo closes his eyes, biting the inside of his cheeks because _oh, you have no idea, Mike_. 

-

Leo feels a sense of finality the next time he decides to go up, and it brings a wistful smile to his face as he thinks of finally being free from everything, from the pain, from the problems, from the crushing guilt of not being able to help his youngest, most carefree brother from the heaviest burden. 

He leaves a letter this time, this final time, because Leo wants them to know, now. He wants them to be there for eachother, he wants them to live, he wants them to make it, to die an old, ripe age. He wants them to be happy. He loves them, more than anything, and as Leo leaves the paper on his bed for them to find, he realizes that he’s changed since that first night he decided to go up and end his life. He _cares._

Maybe, he thinks with a wry smile, he’s always cared.

Maybe he just…

Maybe he cares too much.

Brave, fearless leader.

-

It’s so _fucking cold,_ but it _was_ pouring outside tonight, so. Donnie enters the kitchen, yawning and throwing his hands up over his head, back arching and popping after spending maybe three hours sitting in front of the computer, coding various bits of tech he was looking forward to implementing. He grabs his hourly coffee, grinning at Raph’s rolled eyes and the muttered “ _go the fuck to sleep before i fucking force you to, 'tello_ ” among other rude things that Donnie personally found endearing. 

They’re about to start talking about food, even though Donnie and Raph cannot cook for _shit_ and its early evening, where’s Leo and Mike? Raph was gonna have Leo’s ass for being late, since the leader was so persistent on them always being “on time”. A couple minutes pass, and Donnie feels himself growing more and more annoyed, because god dammit he had work to do, and he was not looking forward to patrolling in the rain -

Mikey comes running in from the pit, faster than he’s ever run in his entire _life_ and he’s clutching a paper in his fist and trembling from head to toe, anxious and worried and horrified and his older brothers still, terror flooding through their bodies as Mikey shoves the white, slightly crumpled paper towards them. “Donnie, Raph, please, we - we, hafta - its _LEO -_

Donnie takes the paper in his shaking hands and smoothed it back, dreading what he was about to read. Raph’s already reading over his shoulder and oh, _no_ -

_Donnie, Mikey, Raph;_

_I...don’t know how to write these. A letter. It’s funny, kind of. Not really._

_I can’t pinpoint exactly when it first became a struggle to live. I can tell you when I decided to give up, though, and that was right after Dad died. So...months ago, now? I’ve tried so many times, so many times, to just...end it. I was so tired of it, of fighting and being attacked and being invaded and LOSING things and I snapped. I was so tired of it, I’m still tired of it, of being some war machine, expected to plow through it all like it’ll all be okay. Maybe if I was a better leader I could have done it. I’m a failure in that regard too, so. I’m sorry._

_The only reason you’re getting this now instead of all those months ago is because...well, I couldn’t say for sure, but I think it’s parts of my subconscious that don’t want me to die? Parts of my subconscious that resemble the three of you, among others. So, even though I’m leaving, I...want you guys to know that you kept me here. For so, so long._

_Donnie, you’re so intelligent, you can solve literally any problem and you’ve saved us so, so many times, and you never got the recognition from our father, or from us, and I know things with April are hard still but you’ll persevere, you always do. And - Raph, we’ve always been complicated, but you’ve always, always had my back, you’ve always been there, put us first, even though we - I - gave you so much shit for everything. You’ll always have a place in the Clan, and I don’t trust anyone more to take care of our younger siblings. And_

_And Mikey, I’m sorry I couldn’t help you more. I know how you feel, the empty, apathetic feeling that takes over your entire body and plagues your mind. I know how it feels, because I’ve been dealing with it since Shredder took me apart. It goes away when I’m with you, any or all three of you, and I love you so much. So much. I never say it, but I mean it with every piece of me. I love you all._

_Tell April and Casey I love them too. Donnie, don’t fucking stay up too late anymore, and stop drinking that stupid coffee. Raph, take care of yourself, remember that you are important, you are NEEDED. And Mikey, don’t change. You are more than your mental problems, you have so, so much potential. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of all of you. I love you all more than anything._

_Take care of eachother. That’s all I want._

_\- Leo_

The coffee mug crashes onto the island, smashing into a million pieces and splattering coffee all over the note, and Donnie -

Donnie _can’t_ breathe, he feels his mouth go slack and his heart rate pick up and everything’s moving in slow motion and he knows they need to move right fucking _now_. Raph’s already hustling them along, urgent and broken and his voice is tense and pitched upwards and _terrified_ and “Fucking - _go_ , get to the Shellraiser, come on, come -

His brothers don’t argue, sprinting behind Raph, across the lair and into the garage, piling into the Shellraiser and peeling out of their home. Donnie can barely breathe as he messes frantically with his T-Phone, tracking his brother’s cell signal as best he could in the storm, triangulating his position and screaming the address, hearing Raph screech on the breaks and curse angrily as he swerves, changing directions and speeding through the streets. Mikey screams at him to _slow down hurry up we're gonna crash leo's gonna die SLOW DOWN GO FASTER_ and Raph’s screaming back and Donnie’s terrified he can’t imagine his life without Leo can’t imagine _their_ lives without him -

_whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy_

_don’t take him away please please don’t do this to us please we can’t live without him can’t can’t can’t can’t_

They reach the building after what feels like milliseconds (it really does feel like hours, that pulsating blankness in Donnie’s head throbs), and Donnie recognizes the building, recognizes the area where his father hit the street, while their greatest enemy smiled victoriously overhead all those nights ago, and the rain doesn't cover his sobs as he, Raph, and Mikey burst from the doors of the Shellraiser.

-

Leo steps onto the roof, clenching his fists at the lack of _anybody_ up here. Not his brothers, not his friends, not his allies, nobody. Which must mean it’s time, right? 

It’s just him. Just Leo. 

-

_(They take the stairs five at a time, screaming, screaming for their oldest, out of breath and panting but they needed to get to him, he couldn’t, couldn’t leave them alone -)_

-

He steps to the edge, looks down at the street lights far below, which glowed tantalizingly up at him. The rain is beautiful, so beautiful, falling from high in the sky down, splattering against the pavement. So, so close. All he had to do was pitch forward and it would all be over. He’d be free, like the rainfall. 

There’s no one who could interfere.

No one who could get in his way, no one who would stop him. 

It’s just…

Him. 

Brave, fearless leader.

He smiles.

-

_(They burst up the final set of stairs, invigorated and determined to save their brother before he takes that last, final step. The door slams open so hard that it crashes into the wall, probably leaves an indent, and the four of them are standing, standing on that rooftop, and Leo -)_

-

Leo thinks of Donnie.

Leo thinks of Raph.

Leo thinks of Mikey.

Leo thinks of April and Casey, of Splinter, of Karai and Shinigami, of everyone that he’s loved and lost. 

Leo thinks of everything that’s happened to him. The wars, the loss, the pain, the trauma, the agony.

Leo thinks he can hear his brothers behind him now, begging him not to go, sprinting across the roof to grab him and pull him back, but oh, he’s so tired. It’s better like this. 

Leo couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it first became a struggle to live, but he could pinpoint exactly when the struggle ends.

Brave, fearless leader.

He steps off the edge of the building.

Brave, fearless leader.

He’s going to be free. 

Brave, fearless -

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> suicide is a topic that's very, very close to my heart so if you choose to comment, please be respectful <3


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